Sunday, December 26, 2010


When you're laying across the bed, real quiet like, you can sometimes make sense of things.  This is how this one began: I was appalled at something someone had said, they were not talking to me but I  astonished at their callous words. Ok, I was lurking/eavesdropping on Twitter.  It couldn't be helped.

There have been occasions that people have said things to me that stopped me like a deer in headlights.  As a mother, I've seen this happen to my children, I've seen it happen to friends.  I've personally been both perpetrator and victim and seen generally the same reaction: it hurts.  

This matter followed me around in my mind recently, waiting patiently for it's turn in my busy day and when I sprawled out on the bed it insisted on being heard.  As a writer, I am very accustomed to listening to the voices in my head but for a few years now I've been drawn towards sharing more than fictional words.  This is no different, I have to tell you this.  I'm really only reminding you what you already know on some level:


Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering."

This is the second agreement from a book a friend recommended by Don Miguel Ruiz called THE FOUR AGREEMENTS.  I wish I had read this book when I was 5 which is unrealistic but it would have saved me a lot of trouble.  I can not tell you how many times I've reacted and struggled with wondering how someone could be so hurtful towards me.  I've wondered how celebrities could be unfaithful, kids so mean, PTO moms so back biting, co-workers so rude... 

My own children have come to me puzzled when they were tots, saying things like "Luke was so mean today."  Initially I'd ask "What did you do to Luke that made him respond to you like that?" and the answer was "Nothing. I didn't do anything to him.".  

I had to get to the bottom of these little mysteries once and for all.  When I pursued each, more often than not, it turned out that the other person was coming from a place of personal pain or struggle and the affront was not based on the receiver being a jerk but the giver was hurt.  Yes hurt: 

"Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath."~ Eckhart Tolle

So, the next time someone blows your hair back with a dis(respect) that seems bigger than need be, please remember not to take it personally.  When the time is right, and if you care to know what's really going on, perhaps you can request that they help you to understand why they responded to you in that manner.  Your overture should bring an opportunity for healing and understanding for all parties concerned.

Can you relate to this?  I know you can! Leave me a comment.



  1. Lovely post, Olive. Thank you for the gentle reminder. You just made me run up to my bookcase. A friend I used to work with gave this very book to me in early 2000. I'm embarrassed to admit I never read it. It looks like a quick read -- based on Toltec wisdom. Perfect for a snowy day. : )

  2. Loverly story, so reflective as the notion of carrying around so much hurt does no good for anyone, as I have found over the years. Once you let that hurt go , then the real growth can occur.Then the Friendship can start to take place as well, Take care, Hugs, ...Mal.